Kissed by the Baddest Bidder

The Literal Worst

So, I’m sure you’ve read me go on and on about how the main character’s consent in most stories is not something the writers are actively interested in. Some of the stories are better, and some are worse, but as a general rule, the MC usually meets her roster of suitors through some element of forced circumstances. Sometimes they’re supernatural (she is a reborn goddess who must help some gods get back to heaven) sometimes they’re mundane (her stepfather accidentally rents out the apartment to her and his son at the same time). And sometimes, well, I guess it’s just gonna be human trafficking and slavery.

I KNOW RIGHT?? What an excellent premise for a romance! Who wouldn’t want to be auctioned off to the highest bidder? And yet, this is one of Voltage’s most successful titles. Humans are weird. And I am weird, because I actually read the stuff. So, here it is, the worst of the worst. Have, er, fun.

Side note: this is, obviously, also one of the worst actual titles. The Japanese original is called “A Mischievous Kiss in a Suite Room” (スイートルームで悪戯なキス). Which is also not great, but at least it doesn’t insist on the questionable alliteration. Also, behold the original icon: yes, that is the cage the MC is auctioned off in.

What’s the Story?

The MC is a chamber maid (I KNOW RIGHT??) in the most prestigious hotel in Tokyo, the Tres Spades. Allow me to remind you that the original game is Japanese, and all foreign languages are equally funny. Anyway, the hotel often hosts all kinds of celebrities, and this coming weekend, a glamorous VIP party is to take place. Naturally, all the maids are hoping to get a glimpse of the famous people, but our MC gets a head start by accidentally falling at Eisuke Ichinomiya’s feet. The hotel belongs to the Ichinomiya Group, so it’s immediately clear that this person is important. He is also a bit of an ass, and orders the MC out of his way in no uncertain terms.

After a scolding by odious bully Erika and her two wingwomen, the MC is sent to retrieve guest gifts from the storage room. As she approaches the elevator, she comes across a lovers’ quarrel, as a woman declares she’s had enough of the guy and throws a domino mask at him. The man in the hat, who is of course Baba, is not heartbroken for long, as he quickly decides that obviously the MC’s arrival is the working of fate. He grabs her hand and takes her to the coveted VIP party downstairs. As fate would have it, though, she loses Baba in the crowd and coming across Ota, she meets Eisuke again, who heaps some more disdain on her.

As he leaves, however, he drops a white glove, the kind one uses when appraising art and the like, the MC realises to her surprise. Even so, she chases after him as he leaves the ball room through an unobtrusive door in the back. There, she loses him in a long corridor with many doors. Approaching a door that is slightly ajar, the MC glimpses briefcases full of cash and guns. Still reeling from the discovery, she is apprehended by a tall, dark man with slicked-back hair, whom we will later know as Soryu Oh, the Chinese mobster. While he impresses on her what could happen if she didn’t forget everything she just saw, he does let her go.

But of course, this is where she jumps out of the frying pan and into the fire as, moments later, she accidentally breaks an incredibly valuable statue that was to be auctioned off in the black market auction that takes place in the basement of the hotel. Deprived of their loot, the two men whe were carrying the statue simply decide to sell the MC instead. And this, friends, is how we got to the present situation.

After the auction, the MC is brought before her buyers and gets to choose which one she wants to be owned by.

The Guys

• Ichinomiya Eisuke is the very embodiment of the Domineering Asshole. He is the prototype, in as far as he predates Leon. He is dismissive, dominant, condescending, irrational, and controlling, and I dare say, these are his positive traits. I might be exaggerating a little, but really, only a little.
• Oh Soryu, a Steadfast Presence who is easily irritated, he is a member of a clan of the Chinese mafia, the Triads. As Baba describes him, he is a bad guy, but not a bad person. Born into a Triad family, he had no choice but to join the family business. He would much rather have chosen a different career.
• Baba Mitsunari, the thief. Charming, I suspect he’s the womanizer of the pack. I have not played his route, but he is flirty and charming wherever he’s present. He is, however, also very nice to the MC in the routes of the other guys, so he might not be so bad. Also, while his first name is obviously Mitsunari, he’s the only one is consistently referred to by his last name, Baba. His name is made fun of on occasion, because the popular card game “Old Maid” is called “baba-nuki” in Japanese.
• Kisaki Ota, the “Angelic Artist” is a famous young painter. Also, a Puppet Master. He treats the MC like a literal pet, going so far as to give her his late dog’s name, Koro, and making her “sit” and “stay”.
• Kishi Momoru, the corrupt cop. I’m gonna say he’s the Dark Mysterious Type, since he doesn’t speak more than strictly necessary. I haven’t read his story, so I have no idea what he’s about. In the other stories, he doesn’t give a shit about anything much.
• The Mad Hatter is the auctioneer. There is a route where he keeps the MC to himself in his home-made Wonderland. He calls her Alice. Since he does not appear at all in the other guys’ stories, I know nothing about him.

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Why would I date you?

Why, indeed. Beyond Stockholm Syndrome, I mean. What is attractive about this premise? Maybe it’s the sheer horror of the idea here, and the morbid curiosity about how the writers plan on turning this car wreck around.

I choose you!

When they were free in the Love 365 app, I read Eisuke’s and Ota’s stories. Eisuke is renowned in the otoge (otome games) world for being one of the most unkind, abrasive characters you can come across. But again, we’ve met Leon and Scorpio, so I’m not sure that’s true.
I paid money to play Soryu, and I was happy with that choice. Both Mamoru and Baba sound kinda interesting for who they are. I mean, there’s got to be a reason why Mamoru is on the wrong side of the law, right? And Baba always seems so… kind. So yes, this is actually not the worst thing I ever read. Except one of the routes actually is. Stay tuned.